Nothing Found

APT that ‘Nothing Found’ is the default header shown here before I publish this first post. Nothing is often what is found when you sit down in front of the blank screen or paper. The infinite promise of the whiteness of the page. The endless possibilities. And then there is the space between the interior urge to create something, to spew it out, to give birth to something beautiful, or at least meaningful, the space between all of that and …. the whiteness. That open, blank, whiteness. That judgy whiteness. Fine, not something beautiful, let’s start easier. Nothing meaningful either. Time’s ticking. Just anything will do at the moment. Words, let’s just put words onto the whiteness…

Words, words, words… Which words, though. Let’s put some good words. Mithridatism is a good one, I like that. That’ll have people reaching for their dictionaries, that’s good. Mithridatism. The mithridatism of … Doesn’t work well without context, does it? You can’t open with that. And it’s smart arsey, nobody likes a smart arse. Nobody likes to read a smart arse. Doesn’t sound so good either, phonetically. Mith-rid-AT-ism. No, you’re right. It’s a rubbish word actually. Totally shit. Oops, mustn’t swear. ‘Totally’ is wrong, too; mustn’t overstate adverbs of degree. Semi-colons are passé. Idiot! Don’t blithely slip french phrases in. You’re not Tolstoy!!! ‘Blithely’?! What Century are you living in?!!!

All these exclamation points are surely bad form. Come on! Come on, get it together, it’s not a comic book. Deep breaths. Let’s calm down and start again.

Where was I? Words… Crepuscular. That’s a nicer word. Sounds nice. Crep-usc-ular. Shouldn’t say ‘nice’. What a bland adjective to use. Dammit. Still, crepuscular’s nice. I’m going to roll it around my tongue for a while. Sounds like it might be rude, but it’s not. The first  ‘r’ rolls a nice tripping sound and frames it at the end in a softer way. Nice. Nice. If I was going to paint crepuscular I would do it entirely in grey-scale and burnt umber.

Right, how am I doing. Let me just look over this. The time’s now, oh my god… 18 minutes and not a single sentence of beautiful meaningfulness. Nothing but trite nonsense. Shit. Shit. ‘Judgy’ is not a word is it?! Neither is ‘smart arsey’! “Time’s ticking”!!! What a cliché!!!!! And only 30 seconds left!!!!! OMG, my exclamations are running away with me. And I just said OMG, why did I do that?! I’m not a teenager! Fuck it, let’s start again:

The crepuscular…